Dear Ellen,
How do you deal with mean girls at school?
-Not A Mean Girl
Dear Not A Mean Girl,
Dealing with mean people in general can be hard, but dealing with mean girls in middle school and high school can be especially difficult. Those early adolescent years are when cliques form and the mean girls come out. If you’re not one of them, you will likely suffer from their meanness at some point. (Actually, even if you are friends with the mean girls, you’re likely to suffer from their meanness.) Adolescence is a time when everyone is trying to figure out who they are, and especially, where they fit in the world. Girls are trying to figure out what group of friends they belong to, and many are doing what they can to be “popular.” Unfortunately, many adolescents think that they have to put other people down to become popular. When they do this, they are trying to let everyone know that they are better than someone else, so that they can assert their position in the social hierarchy.
I don’t want to spend a lot of time ranting about the media in this post, but I do think that much of popular media encourages people to be mean. Gossip magazines point out which celebrities have gained weight, or which ones look “bad” without their makeup. There are television shows dedicated to making fun of peoples’ “fashion fails.” When people laugh at others’ expense, in general, that’s being mean. That’s what the mean girls are doing. They’re trying to build themselves up by putting others down. And then, other girls often laugh along because they don’t want to become the next target of gossip or criticism.
I remember in the first two years of high school, when cliques were still very prominent, everyone sat at lunch tables based on their social group. The athletic kids sat together, and they were the most “popular.” Among the girls who didn’t sit with them, there was envy and unstated desire to join that group. Sometimes, the other girls would say mean things about the popular girls, to make themselves feel better, but doing so just continued the meanness. I remember wishing that I was considered “more popular,” and I felt bad about myself because I wasn’t. I remember sometimes saying mean things about the more popular girls too, because I thought it would make me feel better. But it never did. At other times, when I didn’t know where I fit in and didn’t know where to sit at lunch, I chose to opt out and to take lunch in the library or the locker room. This wasn’t ideal either, because it was really lonely. However, I did end up making a few friends with other girls who also didn’t know where they fit in or where they should sit. I made one of my best friends in high school by eating lunch in the locker room freshman year, and we bonded over the discomfort of trying to figure out how to make friends and fit in at school. (That being said, I don’t think it’s a good idea to isolate yourself at school; rather, I think it can be helpful to find people who understand you.)
When I became more involved in choir and theatre in high school, I found some good friends that way too. When participating in an activity that I really enjoyed, I felt good about myself. Sure, I still had to endure the comments about being a “drama geek,” but because I felt really happy when singing or putting on plays, it made it easier to let the comments roll off my back. I really think that finding something that you love and that makes you feel good about yourself is so important. Joining a club at school, and making friends with similar interests, will help you navigate trying to figure out where to fit in. When you have support from real friends, and when you feel more confident, it becomes easier to let the bullying bother you less. It also becomes easier to stand up to a mean girl. Perhaps you don’t laugh when she says something mean about someone else. Perhaps you even tell her that “that was mean.” And you can refuse to participate in name calling. Of course, if you are being consistently bullied, or you witness bullying, it is also important to tell an adult who might be able to do something about the problem.
Overall, finding friends who accept you and like you for who you are, and really appreciating the friends that you do have, can help see you through the hard times. Sometimes this means letting go of the desire to be “popular.” Over time, many girls realize that being friends with people who truly understand them is much more rewarding than being able to sit at the “best” lunch table.
At any rate, I encourage you to be kind to yourself and to your friends and not to participate in any meanness—even meanness toward the mean girls. Work on what builds up your own confidence and makes you feel good about you. That will help you better handle others’ meanness in the long run.
Wishing you all the best,
Ellen
P.S. If you’d like more information on how to deal with mean girls, there are some really good books on the topic. Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman is written for mothers, but it offers some great insight into why some girls are mean and how to deal with them. Also, fellow fangirl Bonnie Burton has a great book called Girls Against Girls: Why We Are Mean to Each Other and How We Can Change. Both books offer in-depth information on how to deal with this issue.
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