Ask Ellen: I’m a Twi’lek in love with a Vulcan…Help!

Dear Ellen:
 
I am a diehard Star Wars fangirl! Nothing can tear me apart from my Star Wars. This guy and I are starting to get pretty serious, but there’s one problem….he’s a diehard Trekkie. Well, you know the rivalry between the Stars… What should I do?! I love him, but I don’t exactly love his views on the topic of Sci-fi and role play. (He is an RP Vulcan, and I’m an RP Twi’lek.) I love him, but when we start to talk about Sci-fi matters, things get a bit “funny”. How do I make him come to the Star Wars side of the spectrum?
 
Sincerely,
 
A Twi’lek in love with a Vulcan
 
Dear Twi’lek in love with a Vulcan,
 
In the Star Wars universe, one must choose a side: either the light or the dark side. In the Star Wars/Star Trek rivalry, however, the choice doesn’t seem so clear-cut to me, and I always want to ask, “Can’t we all just get along?” I do have a preference for Star Wars, but what I appreciate about both universes is that they each preach respect for individual differences. They both demonstrate the idea that those of different races, cultures, and species can work together in harmony and be treated as equals. This is a commonality that I think should be embraced by fans of both “sides.”
 
If you put the fan issue aside for a minute, this question reminds me of any highly charged topic that a couple might disagree on. There are many couples in which both partners affiliate with different religions, different political parties, different rival sports teams, etc., and these couples somehow make it work. To do so, they often have to “agree to disagree” about certain topics or to try to come to a middle ground. In the case of couples from different religions, each partner typically continues to practice her/his own religion, and the two find a way to agree on which commonalities and rituals they will acknowledge and practice together in their home. Couples in which one partner is Christian and the other is Jewish often celebrate the holidays of both religions. Is it possible that you and your boyfriend can learn to celebrate and appreciate both Star Wars and Star Trek? If not, can you agree to disagree?
 
Agreeing to disagree means agreeing not to criticize your partner’s passion as well as agreeing to love each other despite your different opinions. It may mean that you agree to stop the conversation whenever it turns to the topic of “which one is better.” It may also mean that you do your own thing at conventions, with you spending time with Star Wars folks and him spending time with the Trekkies. Perhaps you could meet back up for dinner later and discuss your day. You may also want to consider: if Vulcans were part of the Star Wars Universe, would that make it easier to accept your boyfriend’s Vulcan role-playing? What can you imagine would be possible if a Vulcan and a Twi’lek were to join forces? Perhaps you could have some fun thinking of ways to combine the two universes. There’s a ton of Star Trek/Wars crossover fan fiction available, which I realize that diehard fans don’t always appreciate, but perhaps you could come up with your own crossover scenario. If not, then agreeing to disagree may be the best choice.
 
What might help your relationship the most, however, is if both of you learn to appreciate something about the other’s favorite universe. Is there something you could like about Star Trek and your boyfriend’s Vulcan ways? It may be easier for him to appreciate the Star Wars side if you first show him that you can appreciate his side of things too. Compromise is important for relationships, and compromise means that each member of the couple must be willing to give a little. It also means asking yourself the question, “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?” Your answer to this question will help you determine how much you’re willing to compromise and work on the relationship. Ideally, both of you will be willing to bend a little towards the other’s side. At any rate, I hope that the force is with both of you as you work things out.
 
Wishing you all the best,
Ellen
 
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